1. Hanging onto words and ignoring actions
Introverts are lovers of words. They don’t enjoy speaking them as much as extroverts do, but they do love reading & understanding meanings.
Of course, this translated into me obsessing over texts and small things said. I ignored all
- Not introducing me to their friends
- Flirting with other people at school or on social media
- Constantly making excuses
- Avoiding commitment
Instead, I would value their words over actions. “But he told me he loves me” or “If he didn’t care about me, he wouldn’t have texted me this.”
The truth of the matter is–not everyone values words as much as introverts. Words AND actions are needed to grow a relationship. Unfortunately, reading between the lines is just not sustainable when it comes to dating.
Related post: How to Not Be A Pushover: A Guide for Introverts
2. Thinking an extrovert likes me just because they pay attention to me
Do you know how many baristas I thought were interested in me? Too many. Simply because they kept talking to me after I ordered.
Then I got older and stopped caring about how I look, but their attention & continuous small talk didn’t stop. I realized that some people just really like talking. Trust me, I’m not “love at first sight” material when I’m up at 7 AM, studying for an exam. They just like talking.
Related post: How to Build Lasting Friendships As An Introvert
3. Expressing feelings only over texts
It is so much easier to be bold in a
I’m talking about texts like, “I need you to put more effort into this relationship” or “When are we taking the next step?”
I would send those texts, get their attention, and they’d know what I wanted to hear. They’d text back, “I’ll change”, “Let me take you out with my friends this weekend”, or “Let’s talk about it in person”.
Then when I was with them, I’d be so focused on their needs and put mine on the back burner. I was scared I’d ruin the moment or push them away. Now I know that I just extended the inevitable. A person that’s easily spooked is obviously not ready for a relationship anyway.
4. Never knowing how to end the date
It’s just like how I never know how to leave a party. I always expected that I want to leave too early because of my strong desire to be a hermit. But in reality, I should’ve been confident enough to end the date when I wanted.
This became a real problem when I wasn’t into my date. I didn’t have an escape plan, and I’m not the best at impromptu lying. So… I just waited it out and wasted both of our time (with a lot of awkward silences and weather talk).
5. Projecting fantasies onto present reality
Let’s face it. Introverts live inside their heads. It’s almost impossible not to fantasize about what we’d want from a relationship.
Often, we fantasize unintentionally. We do it while reading romance novels or watching The Notebook over and over again. Although fantasizing is one of my guilty pleasures, I know how dangerous it can be to believe love is defined by what I read or see in movies.
I have to constantly remind myself love shows up in many different ways. Sometimes, what you think is love is actually another lesson. And often, it doesn’t unveil in the way you expected.
Be open to redefining what you think is love instead of fixating on the love
6. Valuing a few deep conversations over their presence
The truth of the matter is–introverts love deep conversation. And often, they’re the only type of conversations we’re genuinely interested in. It’s not shocking that people like opening up to us.
Does that mean they have romantic feelings for us? Maybe. But a few deep conversations or a night of texting doesn’t always mean they’re up for more than that.
If they only hit you up for some soul searching and
Are they making an effort to see you? Do your friends and family see how much they care about you
If you’re not sure if it’s love or friendship, there’s no harm in asking. What’s harmful is hanging onto the possibility of love without trying to see how they really feel.
Related post: 10 Best New Year’s Resolutions for Introverts
7. Dropping hints and expecting them to stick
I was that person that quoted love songs on my AIM status. (If you’re too young to understand this, it’s the equivalent of tweeting a love song & expecting someone to know it’s about them.)
I also used to think that being in close proximity to my crush was enough to signal that I liked them. We all have done it. You go to that party, hoping to run into them “naturally”.
Then when you finally end up in the same area, you’d say, “How awesome is this party, huh?” When in reality, you’d rather be home and only came to see them. But they’ll never know.
Related post: Confessions of An Introvert in Denial
8. Ruminating over things I said or left unsaid
Do you remember that crazy embarrassing thing you did 5 years ago? I do. So it’s no surprise that I’d obsess over an awkward comment I made on a date or that I waved back at my crush just to realize they were waving at someone else…
The worst is when you ruminate over “what ifs”. Like, “What if I told her I liked her sooner?” or “If I didn’t leave for the summer, we’d probably still be together.”
I read something the other day about making choices. We ruminate over past decisions or future probabilities as if the world will reward or punish us for which choice we make. When in reality, the world just takes your decision and works around it
Ruminating simply does not change anything. Instead, take what you’ve learned from the past and focus your energy on the present. You’ll thank yourself later.